But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I want to walk on stilts...naked
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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