i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am spending my child support on dildos
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
