You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
