my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
