tonight lets celebrate not being married
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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