Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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