He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
