I think im going to throw up on grandma
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
