I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
