I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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