I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
