I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
