i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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