I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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