Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am naked and annoyed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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