Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize