woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
