i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
