Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
