Yo dont text me then not text me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
