You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
