When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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