In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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