Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
