This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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