I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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