you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
