I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I wish there were birth control emojis
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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