Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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