there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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