dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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