You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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