You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
