Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
