when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
