I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
