dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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