mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
