My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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