Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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