Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize