I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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