Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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