He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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