Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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