You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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