i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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