haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize