Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
