having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize