You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
