goodnight i made you a song goodbye
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
