Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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