I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
