You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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