Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
